We have received many letters inquiring about the recent piece we did about the dog that sniffs all of the suitcases at John F Kennedy International, searching for Plastic Fantastic Exploding inevitables. We sent our society columnist, Attilla Sackville-West out to find out more. It turns out that Cobi has a most peculiar history.
Cobi was actually born with the unlikely name of Frances Gum Shickelgruber in the remote regions of the Pyranees Mountains. He was was actually the 6th child born to his mother, an obscure Shepherdess named Ernesta. It is rumoured however, that his Father was the famous canine drag queen, Lassie, who happened to be filming a commercial for "Recipe" Dog Food on location. The commercial was to be a spoof of For Whom The Bell Tolls and The Sound of Music.. Ernesta was hired to perform an all-barking version of "The Hills Are Alive"...right before a plane carrying the entire Uruguayan Soccer Team crashes into the mountain. (Needless to say, this was not shown during the "Wonderful World of Disney" in the United States.)
Lassie left town the very next day, but it explains why the real Ernest Hemingway befriended Cobi at the young age of one. Hemingway was one of the Lincoln Brigaders of Alphabet City. (We are unclear as to whether it was the FAI, FLN, CNT, CNN, LSD, TNN, CBS, CSA or the POUM?) His T shirt said "I am not a number, I am a free man!" Cobi was wearing a shirt that said "Hell No. I won't go."
Hemingway quickly changed Cobi's mind when Franco came to town. (To help them Party Down). The two had undercover jobs as bartenders at Uber Alice's Restaurant, owned by hitherto yet undiscovered pop culture icon, Chef Boyardee in Barcelona. After a summit meeting between Franco and Boyardee, Cobi, who was about to go across the street to fetch some baguettes, fell to the floor and had a seizure (admittedly, he did partake a bit too heavily of the Green Fairie). He woke up ten minutes later later recalled a very vivid dream in which the famous Jesuit, Loyola Ignatius St. Dubois awarded him the "Angry Samoan of the Desert Fox" Medal. All of a sudden there was a commmotion outside. The very same street car that ran over Gaudi had taken the life of a very famous Karioke star who worked next door. Thus began another chapter of Cobi's Odyssey.
Chef Boyardee was becoming somewhat Napoleonic anyway. He was talking about getting a job at the Brown Derby in Hollywood. Although he did not invent the Cobb Salad or the Caesar Salad, he was quoted in the Los Angeles Times as having Chastised Josephine Baker for having the gaul to admit that she didn't like Anchovies. "How can you hate Anchovies when you love Caesar. C'est la Guerre!!" A young artist named Andy Warhol picked up on the French theme of the restaurant and staged a version of the Can Can with dancing Tomato Soup cans. (A huge influence on Mariscal who later catapulted Cobi to fame)
A few years later when the Spanish Civil War ended, Cobi would later come by the Green Room of the Brown Derby (with a bottle of the Green Fairie). It was there that he would meet Mr. Avida Dollars who would urge him to "Egoiste young man!"
He eventually did, which is how he got involved briefly with the Basque Terrorist organization (before the big falling out). Until that point, he decided to open another Uber Alice's Restaurant in Cincinnati, OH right next to Colonel Sanders flagship Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. Patrons were a bit shocked by the different menu items like "Chicken Himmler with Helmut Kohl Slaw" but they soon learned to love it. He started doing his own commercials where he posed as a Bombay Cinema James Bond type character named Inspector Dar. He was always seen running down the streets of the section of Cincinnati called "Over The Rhine" chased by a gang of groupies in drag. Cobi would manage to duck into an alleyway where he would give a big Thumbs up to the Camera and exclaim:
The ads were a wild success prompting Cobi to get a little wreckless. Up until this point, everything Cobi touched turned to Merde! Until, that is...... his chain of nightclubs called "Pere Le Chaise Lounge". All the tables, and expecially the chairs, were replicas of actual Tombstones of famous celebrities like Chopin and Oscar Wilde. The Jim Morrison grave, drew the most comment as anyone who sat there would be pelted with marijuana cigarettes and bottles of Wild Turkey. Not only was it depressing, but uncomfortable as well.
It was in 1990 that Cobi managed, with a little help from Colonel Sanders, to scrape up enough money for a one way ticket on board a merchant sea vessel bound for Barcelona. He thought that perhaps, with the falling of the Berlin Wall, he could open up a new theme restaurant called "Checkpoint Chucky Cheese."
It was not to be and the rest is history. Cobi met with Mariscal and became the official Olympic Mascot of Summer 1992. Ultimately his picture was seen on every lighter, Coca Cola can, Bus, Subway and billboard. And if he didn't die of over-exposure, the Basque Terrorists (whom he offended when he compared them to Springsteen - The Boss) nearly killed him several times. Cobi has been on a mission to fight Terror ever since.