Page Three

Liam: Ted Roosevelt was callin' Ted Kennedy a Tammany Loyalist. I kept saying I don't know what that means! This Kennedy kept sayin' to me "Mr. Clur-rk!" with an Irish brogue. He wouldn't shut up until I recognized him. Alright! So I finally said, "The gentleman from Boston, Mr. Kennedy!" That's when he really went crazy. That fat Ted Kennedy said, "I rise to a pint of order (and lager) under the rules which govern Mancunian affairs!" That's when I thought, "Well this is bollocks." Know what I mean? I mean there are no rules. But he wouldn't leave off. This Kennedy bloke kept sayin' "Then I object to them!" And I kept sayin' "Object to What? There are no rules to object to. I object that you object!" Ayn Rand: (listening to Liam with rapt attention, interrupted Liam's seventh telling of his dream and made a bold appeal to the audience): "We are Objectivism! This sham candidate will not usurp my lines! I object to everyone who objects to objecting! I'll do the objecting from now on! And I mean it!!! How were these cowardly Bears, who seek to undermine the capitalist system, allowed to run in our same party? Only those worthy to enter the gates of our land should be able to run for this high office! Citizens of the world, in the name of the best within you, do not vote for these indolent creatures who are cowardly, ugly and mindless. Teddy! Tell them. John Galt: I couldn't have said it better myself, Ms. Rand-McNally!! You are married now to Atlas. (Ayn Rand shrugs.) Roosevelt: I can't take any more of this! Never call me Teddy! If you keep calling me Teddy, I'll start calling you "Old Russian Bear". Davy: You're not the only Cuddly Toy you know. I've seen you prancin' about like a tit at San Simeon (that means Monkee you know) with the likes of Citoyen Kane. If I were Mr. Kane I wouldn't trust you. You're a big trust-buster. That's why they've got Atlas' wife over here to be Vice President. They think big business won't panic and vote Democrat with her on the Ticket. I don't know why they won't vote for me. I mean, I may not have a license to practice medicine and I certainly don't have a license to practice law. But I do have something far more important. I have a TV license. These Americans can't act. And I look better on television than Liam. I played the Artful Dodger at age 10! Ian Brown: Well, you may be a mad tit-monkee, but I have been proclaimed as King Monkey! Which makes me a better simian lead singer. As for you, Liam we have some unfinished monkey business. I've been kicked off just as many airplanes as you have. Why do I get none of the credit! Roosevelt: Don't you find it derogatory to be calling yourselves monkeys! Ian Brown: No, not at all. It's quite cheeky, really! And I may be the underdog candidate right now, but I will have a second coming! I have the largest write in vote so far! So why isn't my picture on Mt. Rushmore? I'm the Manc that started it all! Like Oliver Cromwell, I will have to seize the throne! Roosevelt: I don't know why we ever let the Irish into this country! They are a stupid, sodden vicious, lazy lot, most of them being equally deficient in brains and virtue. They are a walking billboard for immigration restriction. It's the immigration laws that brought us to our knees in this country. The average Catholic Irishman of the first generation as represented in this assembly is a low, venal, corrupt and unintelligent brute! And you want to elect that guy by a margin of 97%!!!! I urge true Americans to report them to the authorities. Ian and Davy: We're not Irish...he is! Pointing to Liam . Roosevelt: I can't tell one Mancunian from the other. They have no more backbone than a chocolate éclair. This country has more problems than I thought! It may be that the voice of the people is the voice of God in 51 cases out 100. But in the remaining 49 it is likely to be the voice of the devil or worse yet, a Mancunian. I thought Wilson was bad. Let's get to some of the 14 Points and real issues please! And let's talk about some real countries. Enough with this Mancunia! I've been there before! Personally I wouldn't mind plucking the feathers of that delightful war foul, the German Eagle - cousin of our own Bald Headed and national bird of prey ..the Turkey! Liam (as an aside): I take great pride in identifying a great number of birds. Not birding in the conventional way, if y'know what I mean! Roosevelt: I've bagged more birds than you have. Anyway, here's the plan! We need Star Wars! The burning of New York and a few other seacoast cities would be a good lesson on the need for an adequate system of Coastal defenses. In fact I hear that that there is an ex Nazi War criminal on the loose who is a genius with gyros and heroes and everything else. His name is Dr. Strangelove and we need to get him on our side! If the Germans and the Japs behave, I will be willing to work with them. What I really can't stand are these no talent bum Irishmen who want a handout! When I was the police commissioner I had to endure interview after interview from guys who were sent to me by the Tammany bosses. I would ask them why they wanted the job and they would tell me: "I have a very severe drinking problem which makes me unfit for any other type of work!" (Crazy Horse is seen on a giant TV via the Internet from his reservation on the Place de Bastille in Paris, France with his new Cohorts, Sitting Bull, Robespierre, Marat and Danton. Crazy Horse is getting pissed! A Microsoft banner in the background reads: "How the West was won in Seattle! Louis XIV and Clark, eat your heart out! We've come full circle.") Roosevelt: Speaking of drinking problems, that Mugwump tribe over there has a big drinking problem! They're almost Chinese themselves!! We should re-instate the Bureau of Savage Affairs to deal with this problem once and for all. I don't know how anyone, particularly those Tammany Democrats and Republican Mugwumps can compare our system of Government, to that laboriously slow Bureaucracy they have in China! Ayn Rand: The only good thing to come out of China is the cheap labor of Chinamen whose strong backs have helped build our railroads. But with our new technology, we have no more need of them. The People's Republic of China allegedly reduced the number of excessive and unjust executions it performed last year. So what? This is tantamount to reporting that the Mafia threw fewer bodies into the East River last year. Roosevelt: I am absolutely opposed to this trading with China! We give them televisions, stereos and computers from Japan! What do we get? A bunch of counterfeit Nikes and Teddy Bears! The British tried for years to Civilize that place! The Chinese government continues to arrest people for "political crimes." Forced-labor camps continue to produce the cheap goods sold in the U.S., and this is the same government that perpetrated the atrocities in Tianamen Square in 1989. And for what crimes did China execute people? Petty theft and forgery. This isn't objective law. This is just a "legal system" of thugs. The Japanese too had their own Yellow Peril of sorts, which is why they invaded Mancunia! And don't get me started on the Russians! Russia Sucks! Nixon appears to have ignored my warnings about excessive mugwumpery in his dealings with China and Russia! Heckling from the Mugwumps is heard: "We are the Lincoln Brigades fighting for Republican victory. We represent the ill and annoyed. What is this nonsense? What has the Party given us lately? Uncle Tomąs' Cabana? Or was it that warmongering Tomąs Hall of Peńo's In Sense?" Freda Kahlo: Why is everyone going on and on about jalapenos? Shouldn't you be more concerned with the cannibalism that is going on around us? In Mexico, the President elect has given every man, woman and child a washing machine to get them to vote his way. They have done nothing to earn a washing machine. John Galt: Very well spoken for a Communist. We are surrounded by political cannibalism here! I don't know who is worse; this Latin brute who rules by force or that moral degenerate rock star who can't shut up about his dream? A dream which seems to me to have been written by Sir Guy Grand. Liam is not bright enough to make up a dream like that. Those Lincoln Brigaders are not true Republicans. They are nothing but a bunch of Commie Pinkos! The Republicans of Rome were a race of supermen! Oscar Wilde: Ave Imperiatrix! Yes I am a Republican and Britain should be one too! No other form of government is so favorable to the growth of Art! I'm sorry Mr. Roosevelt, but the Irish race is one of the most aristocratic in Europe. Rhyme, the basis of modern poetry, is an Irish invention. But with the coming of the English, art in Ireland came to an end. Of course I cannot talk Republicanism with my friend George III or the Prince of Wales. That is simply a matter of social tact.

Roosevelt: (continuing unfazed): My future is in the past! A Republican cannot have his "mug" on one side of the Manson/Nixon line and his "wump" on the other! Liam: What's wrong with my mug. I got a right good mug! And you think youu are so clever inventing all these words and phrases. Well, I have one for you: You ARE A NIPPLE!!! Roosevelt: My heart goes out to you Noel. Very few people know the trials and tribulations that I went through with my younger brother Elliot. He was also a selfish brutal criminal. He was evidently a maniac, morally no less than mentally; a dangerous maniac. I finally dumped him in Paris! He died shortly thereafter, but I don't care. My niece Eleanor would never have been the first lady if he had lived. Sitting Bull: I also have a dream. You mugwumps fought the battle of Rosebud. I have news for you Citoyen Kane. Rosebud is not a sled! Fidel: Rosebud is the best damn resort and casino in Cuba and you Yankees aren't allowed in!! Davy The Mad Monkee: I should be allowed in because I'm a Dodger! Sitting Bull: We fought our first battle with Tubby Custard when he came sneaking around the Rosebud reservation and Casino. I had a dream that we would annihilate Tubby Custard. On June 17, 1876, the Centennial, it nearly happened. At the same time Crazy Horse also had a dream that in order to get into the real world you had to dream. He dreamt himself in the Real World Seattle! A week later on June 24 Tubby Custard and his entire army of Teletubbies were dead at Wounded Knee! In your country it may seem like these are the boom times! However, here's another clue for you all. When the price of TastyKakes™ (That favorite snack food of The City of Big Brotherly Love) rises to 3 Sacajewias, the followers of Tomąs Hall of Peńo will revolt! You and that Republican George III of Texas, will all be doomed to the fate of Marie Antoinette! Let them eat Tubby Custard. Do you think that you can stop the Revolution that is coming in your own country by hunting the Red Menace? Don't pity us for we are not the Po people. We are in cahoots with Po Pot. The Internet billionaires are joining our cause with Mr. Billy Gates! Like us, they now realize that the Great White Father in Washington is a Liar! Just as Gold made the Yankees act crazy so do these Internet stocks turn them into Frito Bandidos. Es o si que es!!! Mr. Gates has enlisted the common hackers to release war upon your Congress and Senate. I solemnly prophesy that this accursed country will cast us all into an abyss and bring us considerably more misery than ever before! Future generations will damn you in your grave! Pancho Villa: What is all this talk of Yankees and Dodgers? I'm a Giants fan. Citoyen Kane gave me this autographed baseball in 1911...signed by the whole team! What will you pay for it? Where's my share? Citoyen Kane: You blew it when you stole Cows from my mothers ranch, The Baba Booey. I was ready to make you President of Mexico! Now I'm backing Mr. Gallagher as the only appropriate little aborigine. Pancho Villa: I don't understand why he is so upset? I only stole from his mother... NOT HIM! Liam: That's right! When I see something in the shop it's like, 'Thank you veddy much!' D'ye know what I mean? Roosevelt: OK enough of this crap! It can't happen here. I've seen it all before! I fought those anti-American SOBs in the form of Messrs. Bryan and Debs. They have not the power to rival the deeds of Marat and Robespierre. But they are strikingly like the leaders of the Terror of France in mental and moral attitude, plus an added touch of the grotesque rising from the utter folly, as well as the base dishonesty of their trying to play such a role in such a country as ours. Especially in the case of Mr.Gallagher whose utterances grow wilder and wilder until they can only be described as the ravings of a man whose folly surpasses his capacity for harm. We hang our heads as Americans for the disgrace that has befallen this country in the nomination of such a man for such an office by one of the two great parties of the land. ..and the same thing goes for Davy and Fidel!!! General Mills: And the same thing goes for Krishna! Personally, I don't even eat Cow. As for Bulls and Bears, I know nothing. Since the Artful Dodger keeps dodging the real issues, I'd like to ask Citoyen Kane and his Paparazzi a question. When a ferry in China blew up, killing 973 people your only comment was: 'Why couldn't it be the Staten Island Ferry?" And you thought a landslide in Tibet humorous. You say you're such a warmonger. You wanted America to fight on the side of the Germans until they blew up the Lusitania. And then you only changed sides because of public opinion. You're responsible for a lot of warlike talk, yet you couldn't stand to kill a mouse. You had special mousetraps at San Simeon which didn't actually kill the mice. Then you had the servants walk six miles to the ocean to let them go. In light of that, could you explain this headline from 1911? next page >>