Page Four

MEXICANS PREPARE WAR WITH US INDIANS REVERT TO CANNABALISM AND ARE A THREAT TO OUR NATION! Freda Kahlo: Thank you, General Mills for finally bringing up the real issue in this campaign year. General Mills: Don't you think it's a bit irresponsible and hypocritical to advocate the mass slaughter of men when you can't even kill mice? Liam: And you're sending me to Mexico? I didn't know there was a war there. Roosevelt: I always said that Kane was The Hun Within! He's got more Germans working for him than the Kaiser! He called for McKinley to be assassinated and he got his wish. He wanted war with Spain in Cuba and he got it. As much as his propaganda has helped my career, he's a pernicious, evil, lying little bastard! I'm telling you, I don't want to be associated with him. And I was never a guest at San Simeon! Citoyen Kane: Where's your sense of humor...Teddy! You were pretty chummy with the Kaiser yourself! Roosevelt: I warned you..stop calling me Teddy!!!!!!!! I admit to liking the Kaiser personally. And I always wanted one of his pointy hats. But I didn't let it interfere with American interests. I wanted America in the war from day one! Even after the Lusitania, that Peacenik-bastard Wilson was still holding us back. It took a whole extra year after that to get into the War! Kane: Well…I wanted a war with Mexico so my mother could get her cows back. I was trying to prove a point. My baseball correspondent in San Antonio tried to talk me out of it of course. He said Pancho Villa's army had probably eaten the cows by now. Besides, he had a good gig covering the Giants' spring training. "Baseball sells newspapers!" he said. I politely informed him, "War is the number one newspaper seller of all time! Now get to war!" Fidel: You tried to force war with Mexico because your generals were bored; especially Patton and Pershing. They went so far as to infiltrate an Iron Mine, run by the Japanese in Chihauhua. You knew that Pancho liked to stop there for All-You-Can-Eat Sushi. The gig was up when one of the dogs ate a California Roll intended for Mr. Villa. The Japanese have long been the stooges of the Americans. It is another reason I am on the right side of the Russo-Japanese war! General Mills: You on the right side of anything? Fidel: But it gets funnier! Can you believe the CIA found an account of this botched plan in the Pentagon archives and tried the same thing on me? They knew that I ordered a root beer float every evening at The Havana Hilton. They actually got a soda jerk to put Cyanide in it. Somehow the pill got stuck to the side of the glass. The kid must have been nervous. "What's taking him so long? I want my float!!!" I kept shouting. That's when I went behind the counter and found the kid trying to dislodge the capsule from the side of the glass. As punishment, I deported him to Miami like an egg-sucking dog. If the CIA has to give me drugs, why couldn't they give me LSD instead? Lorenzo St. Dubois: Why that's my name! Sister Carrie Nation (who at nearly 6 feet tall and weighing 180 lbs and bearing a hatchet cut an imposing figure): If the CIA can't kill this little pig than I will!!! Remember, I am the bulldog running along the feet of Jesus, barking at what I do not like, mainly: drugs, cigarettes and alcohol! Liam: What is wrong with that fat bird! That song is an anthem of the people. She must be upset because I don't want to shag her!!! Pancho Villa: Fidel! Why didn't you just shoot that egg sucking dog? Fidel: You just don't get it, do you Pancho. That's why you met such an inglorious end. As for the Yankees, if war is what you all want, war is what you will get! Patria or Muerte! We Cuban freedom fighters will win! We will continue our fight with greater confidence than ever, now that we know what idiots we are up against! The Mean Reds are here to stay. Give me Liberty or give me Po! Ayn Rand: You call yourselves "freedom fighters!" when Cuban children are denied milk and pressured into joining the "Pioneers"? Why that's just Cuba's equivalent of the Hitler Youth!! Fidel Castro: Yes, but the children love me like an uncle who gives them free chocolate! Ayn Rand: And their teeth will end up looking like a Manc's! Back to the issue at hand. I also blame this present American system of government which sequestered poor Elian Gonzalez. Political correctness has become a puritanical religion. They kept the poor boy away from any pro-American influences and brought in ten Cuban "officials," including a suspected Cuban thug and a Cuban doctor with tranquilizers. Castro's "re-education" center, which awaits Elian in Havana has apparently opened a branch office in Maryland. We want war alright! Liam: I hate war. Do I have to learn German? Noel: You might learn Mancunian as a base. Liam: The last time we had a war I had to get up early and start rolling bandages. I need my beauty sleep. Noel: What war are you talking about then? An episode of MASH? I watched you being born! It's enough to make ten bloody wars look delightful. Havin' to look after you was not my idea of fun let me tell you. First he gets thrown off fairies. But no, that's not good enough for our kid. Then he has to get thrown off airplanes. Lorenzo St. Dubois: Do any of you love power as much as I love my Little Joe? For Little Joe has staged a Love Parade by the Reichstag baby! Fidel: As I have already said, the key to all is to love the power of cheese! Davy The Mad Monkee: Power and War! That's what I want. I'm not like that pansy General Mills. You the people do not expect the promises made by the election candidates to be kept. But vote for me and I'll show you how to get outta that box! I've been waiting for a boxer rebellion for ages! I'll invade Poland and show you Americans some real galloping Poles! Then we'll invade Mexico! Did you ever notice how similar Polish Polka and Mariachi music sound? I've been more than patient all these years waiting for my due. I coulda been champ! But me mum instisted I play Carnegie Hall instead. The situation in Mancunia today seems like that of a sick person. We Mancunians were conquered by might and subdued and muzzled. But no more! Now it is our turn to conquer America again! I will deal with America like Christ throwing the money-changers out the temple. If 10,000 American peasants collapse from exhaustion while digging trenches for our cause, it interests me only if they collapse before finishing the trench. I dislike America because seeking fortune in America led to Mancunia losing people to that American Dream and becoming lackeys! Citoyen Kane: But you where one of those defectors! Davy: And Hollywood as well as your press, Citoyen Kane, have used every opportunity to throw dirt at me, to make me look ridiculous, just because I used to be a jockey.

Muhhammed Ali: That Monkee is a chump on a stump. But it don't matta, cause I'll get my Olympic Medal out of the River and go fight the Mexicans with him. The Vietcong did nothin to me. But Mexico? That's much closer to my old Kentucky home. I may not speak English any better than that Liam, but I'll kick those cats in the pants. Yes sir I will. We'll get Mabuto over here too. Real snappy dresser! Didn't he die with Princess Di and Mother Theresa? Which one of those doesn't belong? Jackie O! Now she had fashion sense. I would love to see Princess Di, Mabuto and Mother Theresa on judgement day, almost as much as I'd like to see Kurt Cobain, Jackie O and Nixon in the same room. Somebody should write a play about that one. Anyway, my whole point is this. If you're going to kill 100,000 people, you better look good doin' it. And I got the prettiest face in the world! Besides, I still got that B1 bomber I bought in 'Nam still parked in the driveway. I got ta use it for something! And we need some James Brown music down there in Mexico. I'm Brown and I'm proud! This'll be bigger than the Thrilla in Manila! I am the Greatest! Bruce La Bruce: The Chump wants to Hump the Stump. Liam: Who is he to say he has the prettiest mug here? Who is this man claiming to be the greatest? Is he insane..? Citoyen Kane: We need men! Not song and dance men...MEN! You blew it Liam. From now on I'm backing Davy, the Mad Monkee. He's got the warlike spirit you are lacking and he has proven he can lead. You can't. Liam: But I declared war on China and because of it, I'm banned from Cathay Pacific. Are you saying I'm banned for nothing? Citoyen Kane: Too little too late, little lad. You can walk to China like Marco Polo for all I care! Muhammed Ali: I'm the black Superman. Not only do I not need no seatbelt! I don't need no plane. Bruce La Bruce: Let me be your Boy Wonder. And let's not be too hasty. Liam is not just good looking, HE'S EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING! He will carry a lot of the votes on that alone!!!!! I can speak for all gays in The Castro, that he has our vote! He is exactly the right man for the times. It's the new millennium bursting with all kinds of wonderful expectations and inventions and he is so young and fresh and pretty! He is a steam engine in trousers, if you catch my drift. Noel: That's it! I'm walking too. I'm sick and tired of him always being better looking than me just to spite me. I thought the Houses of Parliament were on Drugs. This lot has surely got to be on something stronger than drugs. I always knew it was mad in America. It's not about music anymore with Liam getting drunk on all these backstage politics. I'm not babysitting anymore. I'm going to Ibiza! Carrie Nation: Then come with me father Christmas and we will start a new campaign revolution about the decency and morals this country is lacking; You make a great poster boy for my temperance movement; now that you are all clean and sober, you have seen the light and want to give up rock -n- roll and its bawdy and licentious lifestyle!!! Noel: Whooa.there lady; You are getting' ahead of yerself. Who said I wanted to run off with the likes of you? I don't think your even a woman. Avida Dollars (who has awoken from his own dream): Dees is tooo dificult for le great Daliamist to understand!!! Jew speak in reeduls and tongues that vill turn le great Daliamist - Chien Andalou into Daliamist - Chat Pyrenees!! This deba-CLE is turning into a Cirque hallucinatoire!! Sigmund Freud: Finally, a voice of reason. I wonder if this Pyrenees sheep dog is any relation to Marco, Hitler's Alsatian dog. Let's see if we and the American people will vote for anyone of you! Let's all be calm and start from the beginning! Listen to the Wizard of Id within you all and don't let your superegos get the best of you! Teddy: Do I have to do this all over again? Why do people like Cuba? Don't they realize that they have had a public relations office in New York for over a hundred years? They've been feeding the New York press with their propaganda all this time. Don't get me wrong, I am a quietly rampant Cuba Libre man myself, for no other reason that if I can't have a war with Germany, I'll take any little scrap that comes my way. If only the damn war would just get started before I miss it!!! I am not letting a pacifist like Liam stop me! John Galt: Don't you see you are unable to prosper by seeking destruction? Citoyen Kane: Are you saying a war would be good for the country? Ayn Rand: What Theodore means is, we will not win the support of the public with the Salvation Army tactics of Major Barbara Eden. Teddy: I am just saying war would boost the morale! REMEMBER THE MAINE!!! Noel: How does he know about Maine Road? I remember Maine Road all right. Our finest hour 'til Knebworth. Roosevelt: Shut up! You aardvark! It's about politics, not music!!! I was absolutely dead on right 100 years ago. Why will no one listen to me now? The Washington Post cautioned that 'despite all our progress of luxury, technology and knowledge, we have not been lifted by so much as a fraction of an inch above the level of the dark ages." And they are right. The last 100 years has have wrought no change in the passions, the cruelties and the barbarous impulses from the savagery of the Middle Ages! We enter a new century and a new century equipped with every wonderful device of science and art, but the pirate, the savage and the tyrant still survive! Davy: I am no pirate! Liam: I am not a savage! I'm a manc! Fidel: I am not a tyrant I am a dictator-tot! JP Morgan: (ignoring the other three candidates) That's right big boy! You play ball with us! You know nothing about economics. Leave the driving to us! We'll bail out those failing Dot Com companies with money! Real money! Are you going to ruin our little tea party! The Anarchists will ruin this country if we allow the average rubes to panic. They already killed McKinley at the start of the last century, you sure don't want them to start this one by shooting one of you! We'll pay off the petty little bears with real Microsoft Stock which is better than Gold! Then I, through my pawn Billy Gates will own all the Dot Coms! You just have to sign on the dotted line and agree to drop the Anti Trust suit against Microsoft. That way, Billy Gates, can go back to Seattle and stop consorting with those anarchists, thieves and hackers in Paris. Big business and Chinese trade are out of your league and you know it. It's only because Ms. Rand is on the ticket that we will even support you at all. The other candidates are what you describe. They are Pirates, Savages, Tyrants and bloody grubbing pigs. And they dig it those little freaks. But Big business will render them docile through advertising. Right now America feels it needs more useless junk. The Boogie Bass is selling like hotcakes as are Raccoon skin coats…and there's more where that came from. Fidel: Who are you calling a freak? Don't include me with those other candidates!! I used to be a contender! I began my career as a baseball player, and I was quite good at it. I was known as "El Duque" long before Mussolini adopted a similar nickname! But because you Yankees are afraid we will beat your ass you set up that dumb embargo act! next page >>