Page Five

Rocky "the squirrel'' Balboa (who speaks with a very pronounced South Philly accent): Mr, Morgan, we are not capitalist pigs! The only junk we want to own are The Yankees! And if they don't win the Series this year, we'll shoot every damn one of them!!!! And it will never be a World Series until Castro's at the bat! But thanks to you American economists, there is a blockade against us and our baseball team, The Sugar Kings. We never had a chance! I blame Tommy LaSorda and that other coach, Joe Cubas for our best players defecting to Miami. They lure them with women and wine and Americoño dollars! We just want the League of Nations to become the true, New World baseball league! Castro has more political sense in his fingertips than the whole lot of his accusers have in their buttocks! And could someone please tell me who committed the sacrilege of putting Yankees Baseball on Channel 9? That's the Mets' channel! The Mets are now on Channel 11, which has always been the Yankees channel. It makes me pig bitin' mad! J.P. Morgan: Shut-up and sit-down. I was not addressing you commie-islanders. We will still have our day with the likes of you. I don't like your Trust Buster mentality, Roosevelt. However, it is a far, far better thing we do to support you than to support those petty Demagogue Ex- Aristocrats over there in the Place de Bastille!. Roosevelt: I still believe that if I don't force people like you to give a little something to the labor unions, those French egomaniacs like Robespierres and Dantons over there on the Mountain will institute Communism and you will have a lot more than Cuba to deal with! As for Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, they're just mad because my face is carved into Mt. Rushmore. You're getting a Square Deal Mr. Morgan and you know it! Kane (Standing up with a copy of the his paper, The American from 1898). : Mr. Roosevelt is right! I got the scoop first. Just listen to what you said Teddy! "German expansion is right for Germany as long as they stay in France. As Americans we must oppose German expansion outside of France as being right for Americans. Nations have conflicting interests, and in the present age, patriotism stands a good deal ahead of cosmopolitanism. Germany is theoretically our enemy, but the French have always had a bad attitude." As to the British? Their problem is that they dislike change. No one is asking them to decapitate the Queen, but why are those Royals entitled to be the richest Welfare family on earth? At least the British appreciated it when America put a McDonalds in their city. The London Times proclaimed it 'The finest gourmet cooking on the island!' Ian Brown: I couldn't agree more. I am fed up with Britain meself. It's so slow moving and things happen so slowly. It's so fashion conscious - people really don't know what they're doing. Most people are frightened to death to have an opinion. So, I've come here to take over America and rule from The Brown House. We will just have to wait and see. D'ye know what I mean?. Roosevelt: No, not really…except its just as hard to understand you as that compatriot of yours! Ian Brown: Well, at least I came prepared with a translator! Kane: (obviously getting exasperated at these Mancs) Well, I am sick and tired of hearing about your personal rivalries and absurdities of excess. The real enemy over the long haul is Russia. Russia and America in their individual capacity have nothing whatever in common. She may put off the day of reckoning but she cannot ultimately avert it, and instead of occasionally having to go through what Seattle has gone through with the World Bank protesters, Russia will sometime experience a Red terror which will make the French Revolution look like Euro Disney. Oscar Wilde: At least the Russians have the souls of artists. One who is an emperor or king may stoop down and pick up a brush for a painter, but when democracy stoops it is merely to throw mud as Citoyen Kane can attest.. The discovery of America represented the beginning of the death of Art. That's why all the American artists like Whistler, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Jimi Hendrix had to leave America in order to remain artists. Roosevelt: The American public cannot take in a subtle painting. They want something along the lines of a Circus Poster. Avida Dollars: I left Franco Spaghettios and the Reign in Spain and conquered Nueva York. I was the most famoso Catalan artiste in America. Until that Momente, Los Americoños only see paintings of Americoño Gotico! But then they saw "Afternoon On the Outskirts of European History with a Loaf of French Bread and Pitchforks and Boiled Beans Which Metamorphosized into Hallucinogenic Toreodors of the Barnum and Bailey Circus and Everything Else Which is Persistent in The American History Which is Now the Enigma of William Tell and Lenin the Two Narcissus twins" … in Macy's Window while my wife Gala rode down Broadway, dressed as Ladee Godiva!. Lafayette: Les Americain, les Anglais et les Catalans sont completement idiotique! Vive la revolution! Je pense, jusque je Cannes Halls of Medicine Translator: "I think, therefore I Cannes!." Lafayette: I had to put up with the Americans at Harry's New York Bar for 80 years! We may have been on the same side of the War since 1914, but that does not mean I have to put up with this dumb Manc! I remember the 7 Years War. I will personally put his head on the guillotine. Liberte for all but him! Oh, joyeux Noel, ton frere est une bete humaine! Il est un fou dangereux! Liam: Yea, you dumb Gaul always saying the same line over and over: Something, something and Fraternite! Well, I won't fall for it. Personally, I don't know why everyone is ganging up against Russia when these frogs are our true NME! No one wants to have a Mancunia dominated by the French! It's bad enough they won the Euro 2000 tournament, now ain't it? Fidel: There you go, goin on and on about the French. And how about the Damn Yankees? They are the true menace! The former commissioner of New York thinks I am the demon. Many here do and therefore have not invited me to dinner after these debates. What am I to do? Go hungry my first day in America? That would not be good publicity! Bruce Labruce: Well, there is no such thing as bad publicity! Kane: Thank you Mr. La Bruce and Mr. Wilde. You seem to be the only people here who appreciate publicity! I ask you! Where would anyone of you be without publicity? John Galt: Well then you teen-Latin sensation, what would you have us do? Give you a hand out and feed you like the Po people?

Fidel: No, I just ask you treat me like Krushchev used to. He was the first leader who came to visit me and who invited me to Russia. I appreciated that gesture. He was a very shrewd peasant and a very funny guy! He served me borscht and vodka! How dare you all say that Russia sucks! It is the only civilized nation left in this here globe, except for Mancunia and it will be mine!! Oscar Wilde: As for begging, it is safer to beg than to take, but it is finer to take than to beg. Kane: Who made you the artful dodger here? Davy: I'm the Dodger! Liam: Enough about politics! What are we, the Normans? Do I look like Liam the fucking Conqueror? Off we go to Mexico! Don't forget the beans! And please don't start the war until after I'm gone. Teddy: Someone make this Irish brute shut up! I'm so pig bitin' mad that I dream of the day that the cholera would result in a permanent quarantine of most immigrants!! The Russians had no business in Cuba. If the Germans or the British had gone in there to collect their unpaid debts and give the Cubans a spanking like they gave to Venezuela, that would be one thing. The Russians had every intention of staying and pointing their missiles at us! That's why we need this Dr. Strangelove. I can deal with the Japs and the Krauts. At least they have ambition and know how to put those pansy Frenchmen in their place. I cannot deal with the Russians. Ayn Rand: We will not tolerate the Bolshevization of America! It's bad enough that the Marx Brothers influenced and brainwashed thousands of decent hard working people. Our task is the smashing of Bolshevism. We MUST be Russia's heir! Roosevelt: Exactly! I'm not saying the Americans don't have their faults. We are Barbarians who possess a certain middle-class Philistine quality of ugliness, pettiness, raw conceit and raw sensitiveness. Even when we get highly civilized, as in the northeast, we seem to become civilized in an unoriginal and ineffective way. But we are barbarians railing at the Billy Gates. I just want to ensure that, though the English-speaking races may have to divide the future with the Slav, that we get more than our fair share! It's the Russians who are even more deluded and Pig headed than the Americans. The whole missile Crisis business was a clear violation of the Monroe Doctrine which, according to the rules we made up, states that America will rule North and South America. We must rule! Who do you think built the Panama Canal? You don't think Pineapple-Head Noriega did it? John Galt: The sole result of that murderous Monroe Doctrine was to remove all ethnic differences and have all peoples abide by the American way. Liam: Monroe! I'd shag her if I were King of America. Bruce La Bruce and Oscar Wilde in Unison: We love her, but we'd rather shag you Liam!! Oscar Wilde: I have idolized you from the beginning. You are half plebian-half God! This man has everything to be king. How I love him! La Bruce: And Mr. Roughrider over here would make a great Midnight Cowboy. Wouldn't mind dragging you through the mud, honey! Oscar Wilde: And don't forget about Roosevelt's best friend in the Senate, San Sebastian Cabot Lodge! I can't wait to get my Queen Victoria outfit on him and take him on a drive in my Wienermobile and a stomp at the Savoy! (Booming loudspeaker cuts through the hall with violent feedback): We need to change the subject! We now yield the floor to the distinguished Ambassador from the Court of St. James Infirmary, Mr. Ringo Mountbatten! Mountbatten: Liam, can you tell me, are you a Tory or is that a Whig? Liam: Is there really a geezer here called Ringo Mountbatten? Well, that's enough to make me want to chop me head off!! Oscar Wilde: Boy, you are quite the hot-head! Fidel: Well, that is ignominious of you to place your head on the French chopping block, just for the Yankees to cut it off! Liam: Ignoramus!?! You think you are so above the rest using those fancy words that mean nothing to the rest of us! And for the record, I have the best hair in this place, wouldn't be caught dead in a wig! Look at all the other candidates? Not one of them is a follower of fashion. And you, you infidel, don't you own any other clothes? Fidel: I don't mind that a drunken Irish lout makes fun of my clothes. At least I make sure that I am fully clothed before going before the paparrazzi. While I was getting dressed to come here tonight, I got rid of my business suit that my campaign manager advised me to wear and put my fatigues back on, the clothes I am most used to wearing. (Applause) I must admit, I was tempted to come dressed in my old baseball outfit. But once in a while there are summit conferences and I have to dress up like an honorable gentleman. (A heckler in the audience shouts: "When you are in the presence of gentlemen, dress like a gentleman!") I don't know if I have become civilized (laughter) but I did not struggle in the jungle for my country just to look like a Monkee in a suit. So I may not be as smartly dressed as you, Sir Liam, but I have class! Your awkard use of knife and fork betray your Irish background and at least I know not to sugar a fine vintage wine. And look at his clothes! (points to Teddy). He's dressed like a cowboy. He has spurs, his big belt buckle on and a gangster hat and a pearl revolver all done for him by Tiffany's of New York! I bet his fatigues are designed by Armani! He's an imposter! No better than that other fascist running on the Republican Ticket, The Governor of Texas, King George III. I see what you all are trying to do, but it won't work! Our alternatives are still the same: Liberty or Death! Cuba Will Not Be Intimidated and Will Not Retreat…Ever! We will NEVER change because we are right! And just because I overthrew that Baptist Batista and stopped my country from being your puppet, is no reason to hold a grudge. C'mon, even Ernesto Guevarra and Ernest Hemingway came to live in Cuba! Oscar Wilde: Ah, the importance of being Ernest. Salome! Bring me the head of John Le Batista! Fidel: And as for your expansionist ideas, Mr. Roosevelt, the order of the new millennium is no longer expansionism or imperialism, which is as old as you are! The American Empire, like the Roman Empire before it, is on its way OUT!!!! But you Yankees can't get over the fact that you just couldn't take me down and get your dirty little hands on my cigars." next page >>