Page Six

J.P Morgan: And for that I thank you Mr. Castro. In October '62 we made a killing on the bomb shelter stocks. What do you think would have happened to Cuba if my man in Havana had allowed the bay of Pigs invasion to be successful? Fidel: But it was successful, don't you see. Like Mr. Roosevelt said, "Remember the Maine!" Bruce Labruce: Mr. Castro! On behalf of the entire Castro District of San Francisco, I'd like to buy you a Cuba Libre? Fidel: You Yankees are just upset because I never have allowed you to occupy Cuba and make it a libre playground for your mafia and corrupt business men. So, now it's my turn to occupy America and drink Papa Dobles instead of this Faux Coca Cola you have here at the Convention. Royal Crown and Shah-sta Cola you have put on our podiums! I'm no Shah of Irate! And because I refuse to be your puppet you equate me with the Ayatolah! Citoyen Kane's "American" which passes itself off as a legitimate newspaper, has fanned public outrage against me with exaggerated stories of Cuban cruelty. J.P. Morgan: Well, it is obvious to me that all you candidates want is a piece of the American pie! Fidel: I prefer flan! Liam: Is that like Tubby Custard? Davy: Don't know what you are all going on about. Just answer the questions directly and honestly. Mohammed Ali: I'm confused. Is it true you used to be a Jane-dandy jockey? I never saw you at the Kentucky Derby with my friend Dr. Gonzo. Davy: That used to be my bag until I came to America from Europe and became a completely manufactured image. I therefore should get the votes of the American people and their youth. Mr. Morgan will probably say he owned stock in the Monkees toy manufacturing industry in Japan. Morgan: Japan and everywhere else! I made a lot more money on the Monkees than you did! And therefore me and my bankers and financiers may back you if anything should happen to Ms. Rand. John Galt: Well, if the voters back her, nothing can happen. And remember, any friend of Atlas is a friend of mine! And if the only thing the American people are seeking to find are the answers to the woes of the world, look no further. Reality is that which exists at this moment, and the reality is: Machismo is Dead!!! (Only Carrie Nation claps at this.) Avida Dollars (to Sigmund): Dat man iz crazeee!! I want him in my next film! Bruce Labruce: Machismo? That just about describes me. I'm a cheesy homo! General Mills: What Mr. Jones is saying is that our platform stands for campaign reform and we will change the voting age from 14 to 15! If we don't do something about raising the voting age, Liam will win this election by a margin of 97%. We are only moderately extreme! Davy: Yes, my slogan will change from: "14 or fight!!!!!" to "15 and Ready". (Screaming and applause can be heard.) Another thing you Yanks should know. I attended the Ben Franklin academy in Manchester and I was in an American band!! It was a damn good job too. I didn't complain once. Morgan: It was a money-making machine 'til Nesmith and Tork had to louse it up with their ideals. Oscar Wilde: The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for over 400 years. To hear them talk one would imagine they are in their first childhood. As far as civilization goes, they are in their second. Davy: I also think Roosevelt's policy in the Philippines is not extreme enough. Imelda Marcos should not be allowed to get away with insulting the Beatles the way she did. Fidel: Even I wanted Los Beatles to play in Havana! And if the FBI hadn't had a file on Sir John Lennon, he would have come here to play!!!!! We would have never had abused them the way those mongrel Chino-Latinos did! It's enough to start a war over! And that is where I agree with Mr. Roosevelt that we should invade the Philippines! Liam: (At this point is getting violently hysterical) What's that mad Monkee and that infidel going on about now. I don't give a toss about Phillipinos. They're all part of Japan and Japan is a dishpan! Davy: Japan is nowhere near the Phillipines! Even I know that! Pancho Villa: I like Japanese food, but who's ever heard of a Phillipino restaurant? Liam: Who are you anyway? Sancho Panzer, Pancho Villa Rosie? I just wanted a Villa in Mexico. I didn't know I'd get you, Sister Carrie Nation: The Phillipines are a Witches Cauldron of races. Travelers who have been there tell us that they are not only of all hues and colors, but there are spotted people there, and what I have never heard of in any other country, there are Zebra-striped people with Beachnut Gum ads tattooed to their foreheads. Like Mexico, they have little Aborigines too. Suitable for game hunting. That's your food! Davy: Who is this damn ugly bird! Liam: Well, I can't tell the difference. All I know is we will play live at the Budakhan and emulate Sir John Hindenberg Lenin for he means more than Jesus and his music does more than any fucking God. I don't believe in all that 'God's creatures' shite - what was the last album God did? Lenin is the supreme leader standing over this party! Davy: You are truly mad!!!! You are a rabble-rouser and your speech is rubbish! Your megalomania is somewhere between a Napoleonic-Messiah complex and Neroism! All you do is advertise and spout original ideas in an unoriginal way! You are primitive to the point of banality! You are a dilettante! Unlike me, whose career has taught me to make an impression and whose looks can mobilize the young masses from the fringes of the heartland to the Mancunian circles. You may regard us with contempt, but you cannot ignore us! Liam (as he grabs his shoe and starts banging at the podium): I'll take a piece of that mad monkee! I can start acting like an American too you know. Like this shoe here! Americans are always takin' off their shoes at concerts and throwin' 'em at me! Who do you think you are to call me a political hooligan! You are a day-dream believer and you're all played out! Noel: This is so old! Me brother thinks that by throwing a temper-tantrum he will get his way. The only thing that will do is make me quit!

Oscar: Such sassy lads! (At this point the ever-quiet Little Joe, rises from his wheelchair and rushes the stage!) Little Joe: Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!!!! My deformed right foot, which has been exposed since childhood to jibes and taunts, is healed! Vote for me!! Forget these mad Mancs! It is time to clear out this rot. Vote for me as Mancunian Chancellor so I can instill order on Reich-ers Island. Why? Because I am Dr. Strangelove!! (Audience gasps as he unveils his mask.) I will make you all stop worrying and love the Sexbomb, baby! I am sick of standing by and watching dull lifeless political meetings and rallies. At least this debate is NOT peaceful. I am here to attract confrontation, to be noticed and provoke the masses. Only a constant barrage of agitation and propaganda will prove successful. I will be heard! We need a genius who is a dictator if we are to rise again. What America needs is another Frederick the Great, King of Prussia to rule with an iron fist. (Little Joe/Dr. Stangelove is whipping the audience into a frenzy.) A true statesman is at one and the same time ruler, warrior and priest. He will start a bonanza the likes of which this place has never seen! Security (CIA, KGB, OSS, FBI, MIA, SOS, SOB, POW, DUI, BMW, POE) come out of the woodwork and take over the Hall. People are in an uproar, the candidates rush to their horses to ride out of the maelstrom, grenades and bombs are going off and heads are rolling. Teddy: (as he rides away). Who has released this werewolf in our midst? This is a surefire recipe for chaos! Let's return to the good ole' days before the first World War. Little Joe/Dr. Strangelove: I'm sorry if this has offended anybody, but I can no longer sit back and allow this veritable chaos of banality, schoolboy reminiscenes, Mancunian infiltration and indoctrination, Mancunian subversion, and the international Mancunian conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids...This party is on the lunatic fringe of politics! My fellow men…awaken! The chess match for power has begun. The new day is dawning! Ich bin ein Mancunian! As he opens the doors of the Halls to the outside and looks down the steps of freedom and onto the expanse of lawn he sees before him The Million Manc March begin as they triumphantly claim the streets of Philadelphia singing their national anthem and carrying their new flag!!!!!!!! Cut to Commercial! Click on: Because the Gas Man Cometh! Back to the beginning >>